New garden cities not required to include any homes, says minister.

Government ministers have today confirmed that the coalition’s newly announced ‘garden cities’, will not actually contain any homes, despite Nick Clegg’s claims that they would solve the housing crisis.

Asked by Labour how developers would be incentivised to provide affordable, low-cost accommodation, a Conservative planning minister burst into laughter nearly choking on his Dom Perignion White Gold. ‘It’s Gardens, Pleb-face’ he patiently explained. ‘Y’know, roses, lawns, fountains’.

Responding to accusations that 15,000 tennis courts would do little to alleviate the condition of the unemployed and working poor, Number Ten later confirmed that: ‘Many of the poor are desperately in need of a job, and all that muck doesn’t move itself between flowerbeds. The feckless classes will be ideal for this sort of opportunity as they are the sort that don’t really mind smelling of dung. That’s why the ‘garden city’ initiative makes such good sense. Enough flowers and we might not be able to notice their stench.’

The Liberal Democrats, meanwhile, moved swiftly to contain the fallout from the statements, insisting that thanks to their tireless efforts in government the worst excesses of the Tory right had been curtailed.

There would now be ample facility for the poor to wash thanks to the ornate marble fountains, as long as the wind was blowing good and strong and they stayed at least fifty feet away and out of sight, and that there would be a discernible trickle-down effect enabling the poor to obtain canapés and cake crumbs after the numerous gatherings that would undoubtedly be able to attract all manner of wealth creators and drivers of the economy.

 This was, however, later contradicted by a senior cabinet minister who was quoted as saying ‘Just let them try. The old blunderbuss is charged and the pack needs a run-out, what?’

 UKIP were reported to be also unconditionally in favour of the government proposals, provided that all the plants were proper English varieties of solid stock, the gardens were arranged in nice long rows with straight paths that could be marched up and down, and NO PARK BENCHES.

When asked to comment, the Prime Minister was playing tennis.

32 Million People with access to the NHS are needlessly tall

A new report to be released on Tuesday casts doubt on the ability of the NHS to prevent the feckless population that uses it from growing needlessly tall.

The report shows that whilst the average height of all people in the UK with access to free-at-the-point-of-delivery healthcare is 5 feet and 4 inches, there are only a handful of people who actually measure that height to the precise thousandth of an inch.

A staggering 32.6 million people are taller than would be expected by Government Ministers undertaking remedial statistics lessons and who expect anything above the average to be somehow unusual, especially if it serves their political purpose.

It was also revealed that some feckless individuals were over 20% taller than the average at 6 foot 2 inches. They blamed the last Labour government for allowing some NHS patients to needlessly grow as tall as 6 foot 7 inches.

'I can't believe that for years that Andy Burnham fellow allowed all this needless stuff. I bet they had to buy bigger beds from those European beaurocrats and stuff' said Mrs Doris Karloff from Stoke.

Ian Duncan Smith bravely asserted that his plans to reintroduce scurvy and rickets would go some way to improving the situation. Adding 'what is a median on a bell curve anyway?'

Meanwhile a separate report concludes that 50% of all politicians and journalists are needlessly evil.

20/2/13 The 4G Auction

The 4G auction failed by £1bn to meet the figures the Chancellor had controversially used to balance the UK's books in his Autumn Statement. Pants on fire tastic!

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