Theresa May confirmed, today, that new legislation on data protection will enable her to request that internet providers respect her right to pretend she never existed.
Amongst proposals outlined by the Minister for Modern Things, whole websites that make reference to her opposition to Brexit and denial that she was ever planning a snap general election will be taken down.
Moreover, any reference to the Conservative Party Manifesto 2017 will be replaced with a picture of kittens climbing over a baby gate.
Meanwhile, having just returned from her Eyrie in the Swiss Alps, all reference to her planned annexation of Europe and forced enslavement of anyone who has ever attended Glastonbury has already been completely deleted from the internet and your memory.
Brexit will not cost £350 million. The General Election produced a stunning win for the Conservatives. Jeremy Corbyn ate someone's hamster and has since emigrated to a Croatian commune where he is helping North Korea to build a celery bomb.
It was also confirmed that once the full consequences of a disastrous post-Brexit settlement have become known, the massively unpopular Boris Johnson will have been Prime Minister all this time and a glamorous, young, unknown, female politician wearing strikingly fashionable leopard print heels will suddenly emerge to challenge him for the leadership of the Conservative and One True Government Party and lead Greater Britain to a strong and stable future that will last a thousand years.
