The main political parties in England today pledged to work
together to offer an in-out referendum on FIFA by 2015 sources said.
Critics denounced this as another attempt to follow the
public outrage expressed against foreign control of banana length and
immigrants coming over to the UK and mending stuff.
Nigel Flange of the UK Imitation Party said ‘It’s one thing
us getting to tour the world enjoying the, admittedly very generous if you know
what I'm saying, hospitality of foreigners keen to have us vote for them to
host the World Cup, but quite a different matter when some other foreign
country actually wins. It’s quite clear to me that FIFA is solely responsible
for human rights violations in Russia, Brazil and Qatar, the backstabbing
bastards.’
David Cataract of the ruling British Class System had
previously resisted attempts amongst his backbenchers to have the FIFA
committee replaced by a large bronze statue of Margaret Thatcher with flashing
eyes and a rotating magnetic mount that would enable it to spin around and
point to various committee agenda items for approval.
However, after meetings behind closed doors yesterday he appeared
to have moved into line with the mainstream press by accepting the offer of a
referendum on the FIFA question. ‘It is abundantly clear that we need to work
to get a better deal within FIFA’ he said, ‘And that goes farther than simply
removing the lack of opportunity for unaccountable decision making and
replacing it with something that looks random but can be manipulated to create
conditions favourable for hard working British football businesses.’
‘We in Britain invented football and should therefore be at
the heart of world football whilst not actually being part of it. There is no
reason that the English national team cannot negotiate lucrative international
sponsorship deals with the likes of China, where I have recently been making
this exact same point, without the necessity of participating in football games
against other nations that are at an advantage because of their higher skills
and abilities. And just as importantly there may be some votes in it for me.’
His coalition partner, Dick Clog, was less enthusiastic
about the move. ‘I am proud to be part of the great movement that is FIFA and
us leaving after a referendum could destabilise and eventually destroy all that
we hold dear.’ He insisted, before continuing, ‘But we are of course united
with our coalition partners over this, so whatever Dave says.’
Ed Milliongrand of the British Football Workers party said, ‘We
need to reconnect with the hardworking British footballer and fans alike. They
may not have heard that from us, but it is a message with which we have been
entirely consistent and must communicate better. Let me be clear, this is
something that affects all of us deeply, and we will stand up for the squeezed
midfield.’
Nigel Flange explained, ‘I am glad that we seem to have
reached some form of common ground on this issue, mostly because of the
earthquake we delivered in the Beezer Homes League. If we leave FIFA, of course
there will be those who say we won’t have the ability to play in international
competitions. But we have confidence in our nation. Why should football fans
from other countries fly half the way around the world to Brazil to see their
international team play, when we have perfectly acceptable football grounds.
Who would they rather watch, some shifty Spaniards playing against Croatia in
Rio and having to order a tumbler of lager in Portuguese, or would they rather
watch Leamington play Brackley Town with a pint and a pie? This will be a boost
for Britain, and put us back in our rightful place at the head of world
football.’
Alex Sauruman of the Skittish Nationalists said ‘Actually, I
think they speak for England and not Britain. In Scotland we will vote later
this year to separate from the arrogant English and their FIFA dominated view
of football, and immediately we will hold another vote to re-join FIFA. Then we
can put it to the people whether we want to leave FIFA, even if that is only so
we can join again.’
