Government ministers have today confirmed that the coalition’s newly announced ‘garden cities’, will not actually contain any homes, despite Nick Clegg’s claims that they would solve the housing crisis.
Asked by Labour how developers would be incentivised to provide affordable, low-cost accommodation, a Conservative planning minister burst into laughter nearly choking on his Dom Perignion White Gold.
‘It’s Gardens, Pleb-face’ he patiently explained. ‘Y’know, roses, lawns, fountains’.
Responding to accusations that 15,000 tennis courts would do little to alleviate the condition of the unemployed and working poor, Number Ten later confirmed that: ‘Many of the poor are desperately in need of a job, and all that muck doesn’t move itself between flowerbeds. The feckless classes will be ideal for this sort of opportunity as they are the sort that don’t really mind smelling of dung. That’s why the ‘garden city’ initiative makes such good sense. Enough flowers and we might not be able to notice their stench.’
The Liberal Democrats, meanwhile, moved swiftly to contain the fallout from the statements, insisting that thanks to their tireless efforts in government the worst excesses of the Tory right had been curtailed.
There would now be ample facility for the poor to wash thanks to the ornate marble fountains, as long as the wind was blowing good and strong and they stayed at least fifty feet away and out of sight, and that there would be a discernible trickle-down effect enabling the poor to obtain canapés and cake crumbs after the numerous gatherings that would undoubtedly be able to attract all manner of wealth creators and drivers of the economy.
This was, however, later contradicted by a senior cabinet minister who was quoted as saying ‘Just let them try. The old blunderbuss is charged and the pack needs a run-out, what?’
UKIP were reported to be also unconditionally in favour of the government proposals, provided that all the plants were proper English varieties of solid stock, the gardens were arranged in nice long rows with straight paths that could be marched up and down, and NO PARK BENCHES.
When asked to comment, the Prime Minister was playing tennis.
