Corona Nation Street

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE PRIME MINISTER

Sick New Internet Challenge Encourages Public to Self Harm, Experts Say

A sick new internet craze has been used by malicious hackers to encourage vulnerable voters to self-harm, it has emerged.

Steve, a 45yr old car worker in Swindon claims he was brainwashed by the sinister meme into cutting his own nose off.

"I was minding my own business watching Question Time, and some scary, mop-headed apparition suddenly appeared and started telling me about bent bananas and free trade deals. Next thing I know, the economy is going to crash by 9% and I'm being made redundant... mind you, my face deserved it!"

Similar experiences are becoming all too common, claims Barry Whizzbang, a father of two. "My kids came home today and told me that they had seen evidence that Britain has virtually no trade deals in place and we are looking at a cliff-edge Brexit that could damage our economy for generations. I mean! All I did was listen to some emaciated toff who's morbid visage popped onto my screen during an innocent feature on Newsnight. His strange hypnotic voice drew me in. Yet, next thing I know my kids can't work abroad and they're selling the NHS to the Yanks. I blame those Russians. And the immigrants!"

Two days later, our reporter found that Mr Whizzbang had chopped off an arm and a leg in order to "Take back control" of his "borders".

Internet experts say the meme, dubbed the Brexit Challenge, has been spread across the internet over a number of years but has only now just come to light. "We don't need no bleedin' experts! Wibble, wibble!" said one expert we spoke to who had viewed these memes.

When contacted for a comment, Theresa Maim, stated: "We are firmly focussed on providing the best deal for the British public and we are firmly behind our government's preparations to create a strong and  #CUT YOUR HEAD OFF NOW YOU DWEEB#  stable leadership around a Brexit that means Brexit. Unlike the gentleman opposite who wears a shabby suit which proves I am in the right. Our Brexit is universally popular with the public and has the complete support of parliament."

She later added "Mind, you, I bloody hate foreigners"

New Exam Grades Gibberish Say Employers.

The new GCSE exam results will be the least comprehensible since 1987, say leading employers.

When the GCSE results are out in a few days time, those students who have studied maths and English will be graded on a new system based on words and numbers which employers have called "gibberish".

A central plank of the government's education strategy has long been to make exams tough and less girl-friendly, replacing 'soft' aspects, such as so called 'course work' which favours the female propensity for doing housework and looking after children, with rigorous and manly aspects such as single, winner takes all examinations, where a chap can cram hard and achieve a good grade after a hard day on the rugger pitch, and then go on in life to lead one's country out of the world's biggest trading bloc and damn the consequences like a true Briton.

As former Education Secretary, Michael Goove explained:

"We see the increased masculinisation of the exam system as something of a transitionary step in creating a fairer system. After all, what could be more unfair than a child's future being dictated by the environment in which they were brought up. Nurture versus nature. Far better to have a genetically based system of assessing the gifted. Once we have reduced the unfair disadvantage that boys have historically, due to the alt-left education policies of the past, faced through possession of a Y chromosome, we can revert to a proper system of selection by parental achievement and family lineage."

Some employers, however, whilst welcoming the overall shift towards more unpleasant and higher stress examinations, like they remember, and approving of making it less likely that spotty teenagers will turn up to interview with higher grades than the employer had, just because they have made everything so namby-pamby-politically-correct-and-easy-not-like-in-my-day, have balked at the new numerical grading system.

"We want people who have a good grasp of English and mathematics to be joining our companies." Said Errol Flitch of Combined Snark Holdings PLC. "I don't see how we can be expected to do that when the old system of letters is being replaced by numbers. I mean! What on earth is a grade 8 for goodness sake? I know that the guidance says that's ninety to ninety-five percent, but as far as we're concerned, they're just words. What do they mean? It's gibberish."

He continued: "If, on the other hand, a chap comes along with an 'A' Grade, well you know that he's a first class chap, so long as his pater has a good golf handicap and his accent isn't a bit northern. Why change that bit?"

Meanwhile, the current Education Secretary, Justine Greeding admitted "I personally think they're all a bit stupid, but I have to go along with it if I'm to break the blasted glass ceiling. Who cares about the wretched kids, anyway? They'll all be done for if that orange bloke across the pond gets his tiny fingers on that button. Oh yes! Make no mistake, grab what you can, now, that's what I say..."

Schoolchildren and teachers were unavailable for comment, however many were seen shaking their heads and muttering.

Theresa May Confirms Her Right to be Forgotten

Theresa May confirmed, today, that new legislation on data protection will enable her to request that internet providers respect her right to pretend she never existed.

Amongst proposals outlined by the Minister for Modern Things, whole websites that make reference to her opposition to Brexit and denial that she was ever planning a snap general election will be taken down.

Moreover, any reference to the Conservative Party Manifesto 2017 will be replaced with a picture of kittens climbing over a baby gate.

Meanwhile, having just returned from her Eyrie in the Swiss Alps, all reference to her planned annexation of Europe and forced enslavement of anyone who has ever attended Glastonbury has already been completely deleted from the internet and your memory.

Brexit will not cost £350 million. The General Election produced a stunning win for the Conservatives. Jeremy Corbyn ate someone's hamster and has since emigrated to a Croatian commune where he is helping North Korea to build a celery bomb.

It was also confirmed that once the full consequences of a disastrous post-Brexit settlement have become known, the massively unpopular Boris Johnson will have been Prime Minister all this time and a glamorous, young, unknown, female politician wearing strikingly fashionable leopard print heels will suddenly emerge to challenge him for the leadership of the Conservative and One True Government Party and lead Greater Britain to a strong and stable future that will last a thousand years.

STRANGE

God Save America

Why so serious, folks??

Why so serious, folks??

While the bat's away...

Ha...Ha...Ha...Ha...Ha...!

Corbyn to get tough on ISIS

Following a number of misinterpretations of his stance in the press, a belligerint Jeremy Corbyn will today vow to 'kick the bastards good and hard in the goolies.' 

In a leaked statement he will mock the 'Pansy boy Cameron' who 'thinks he can just wave his pork encrusted dick at a bunch of hardened thugs like ISIS'. 'That's just what the seedy little fuckers want' claims Corbyn. 'While posh boy's strutting up and down and spunking away bombs that could pay for the health service, dropping them on a bunch of sand dunes and droning on and on like a little tosspot, the real fuckers behind it are hiding behind secret oil trading and setting that twat Assad up to get away with being such a cunt that local people see ISIS as being on their fucking side. How fucked up's that! No. Fuck off posh boy and grow a pair you twat' Corbyn will say in his speech to the House today.

'Cut off their money, cut off their supplies, cut off their power base, cut off any fucking way they can get out of there, then take them a-fucking part bit by bit. Cut off their fucking goolies and feed them to a goat. It's the only fucking way, posh boy. Not fucking playing at pissy little air strikes with no fucking idea who or what your aiming for. Stop being a twat Cameron. No fucking air strikes, right. Cunt.'

 

British Parties to Offer In-Out Referendum on FIFA

The main political parties in England today pledged to work together to offer an in-out referendum on FIFA by 2015 sources said.

Critics denounced this as another attempt to follow the public outrage expressed against foreign control of banana length and immigrants coming over to the UK and mending stuff.

Nigel Flange of the UK Imitation Party said ‘It’s one thing us getting to tour the world enjoying the, admittedly very generous if you know what I'm saying, hospitality of foreigners keen to have us vote for them to host the World Cup, but quite a different matter when some other foreign country actually wins. It’s quite clear to me that FIFA is solely responsible for human rights violations in Russia, Brazil and Qatar, the backstabbing bastards.’

David Cataract of the ruling British Class System had previously resisted attempts amongst his backbenchers to have the FIFA committee replaced by a large bronze statue of Margaret Thatcher with flashing eyes and a rotating magnetic mount that would enable it to spin around and point to various committee agenda items for approval.

However, after meetings behind closed doors yesterday he appeared to have moved into line with the mainstream press by accepting the offer of a referendum on the FIFA question. ‘It is abundantly clear that we need to work to get a better deal within FIFA’ he said, ‘And that goes farther than simply removing the lack of opportunity for unaccountable decision making and replacing it with something that looks random but can be manipulated to create conditions favourable for hard working British football businesses.’

‘We in Britain invented football and should therefore be at the heart of world football whilst not actually being part of it. There is no reason that the English national team cannot negotiate lucrative international sponsorship deals with the likes of China, where I have recently been making this exact same point, without the necessity of participating in football games against other nations that are at an advantage because of their higher skills and abilities. And just as importantly there may be some votes in it for me.’

His coalition partner, Dick Clog, was less enthusiastic about the move. ‘I am proud to be part of the great movement that is FIFA and us leaving after a referendum could destabilise and eventually destroy all that we hold dear.’ He insisted, before continuing, ‘But we are of course united with our coalition partners over this, so whatever Dave says.’

Ed Milliongrand of the British Football Workers party said, ‘We need to reconnect with the hardworking British footballer and fans alike. They may not have heard that from us, but it is a message with which we have been entirely consistent and must communicate better. Let me be clear, this is something that affects all of us deeply, and we will stand up for the squeezed midfield.’

Nigel Flange explained, ‘I am glad that we seem to have reached some form of common ground on this issue, mostly because of the earthquake we delivered in the Beezer Homes League. If we leave FIFA, of course there will be those who say we won’t have the ability to play in international competitions. But we have confidence in our nation. Why should football fans from other countries fly half the way around the world to Brazil to see their international team play, when we have perfectly acceptable football grounds. Who would they rather watch, some shifty Spaniards playing against Croatia in Rio and having to order a tumbler of lager in Portuguese, or would they rather watch Leamington play Brackley Town with a pint and a pie? This will be a boost for Britain, and put us back in our rightful place at the head of world football.’

Alex Sauruman of the Skittish Nationalists said ‘Actually, I think they speak for England and not Britain. In Scotland we will vote later this year to separate from the arrogant English and their FIFA dominated view of football, and immediately we will hold another vote to re-join FIFA. Then we can put it to the people whether we want to leave FIFA, even if that is only so we can join again.’

Ministers Praise Plucky Plumber

Government ministers have today hailed the efforts of plumber Martin Hughes (45) in responding to his own personal experience of austerity.

‘He’s facing up to his problems in a sensible and practical manner’ said one government official. ‘Not only is he following the Conservative Party lead in a number of areas, but I think there’s also something we can all learn from him when it comes to climbing out of difficult circumstances.’

When we interviewed Martin at his home in Chessingham he seemed distinctly chipper despite his past misfortunes.

‘It all started back in 2008’ he explained. ‘I had been working as a plumber and was doing all right. But having a bit of spare money left at the end of each week I started to, you know, speculate.’

In January that year he joined a gambling syndicate made up of a group of chums he had met at a race day. They came across a horse called ‘Square Mile’ and it just seemed that it could never lose. On some weeks they would place several bets, wherever it was racing, and pocketed regular winnings. Martin soon found that he could let the occasional difficult plumbing job go and spent more time on-line or meeting his well-heeled chums at one race course or another.

‘There was this chap down our street, Luka,’ he recalled, ‘and him and his mate Cheng drove this old Chrysler van. They were both time-served plumbers, so I used to let them have the more time consuming and less profitable bits of work and kept the good stuff for myself. Life was sweet.’

‘Then it all suddenly went wrong. It was in the 3.30 at Newmarket, and at the final fence there were several horses neck and neck, but they had been over-raced and were all a bit tired. Then an Arabian stallion cut across the field and down they all went. Persian Pariah had to be put down and Mediterranean Breeze only just pulled through with help from the vet.’

‘It would not have been so bad, but I had put almost everything I had on Square Mile and lost it all as the rank outsider, Bricadoon came in to win the race.’

How Martin responded to this misfortune, though, was what set him apart and gained praise from ministers. Firstly he launched a campaign to have Square Mile’s trainer banned from the sport. ‘It was clearly his fault.’ Said Martin. ‘He risked all our money and the valued property of the owner by allowing Square Mile to race that day. I had him banned for life and good riddance too!’

Next, Martin had to look at his own finances. ‘The other guys had quite a bit of money put away, but I didn’t, you see.’

‘First thing I did was put all my plumbing tools up for sale. There was no point just having them lying around the house getting in my way, so I sold them to Cheng for fifty quid. That meant I could look the bank manager in the eye. He asked me how I would continue my business, but I was ready for that. I had struck a deal with Cheng so that I could borrow the tools back for a tenner a go. I’ve done six jobs this month through doing that, so my business hasn’t been affected.’

But it wasn’t just his tools. In a move that Number Ten described as ‘Just the way we would run the economy’ he then decided to stop his son doing the paper round.

‘He was earning twenty quid a week but he wasn’t very efficient at it. So I told him to ‘sell’ the round to the son of one of my syndicate associates’ lads. He wasn’t keen but I explained that it was a difficult round to do, what with the big hill near his aunt's, and he couldn’t expect someone else to do it without an incentive. So in the end my mate’s son gave us 50p for the round and I bought him a new bike in return. Our papers now still get delivered on time, but my mate’s son looks so much more efficient on his new bike than my son used to on his old Raleigh’.

‘Anyway, the next stop was to bring in some more money to keep the bank manager at bay. So I managed to sell a kidney’.

I stop him at this point. ‘A kidney? Wasn’t that a bit extreme?’ I say.

‘Not at all, not at all.’ Says Martin. ‘The fact is, having my renal function performed by an internal kidney was just not very efficient. I had to carry it around inside me, feed it, all that sort of stuff. It was much more sensible to have it removed. In fact I had both removed and I now pay a private health company for regular dialysis sessions. I got two thousand quid for the pair, and the dialysis only costs me three thousand a month. Luckily one of my syndicate mates is a consultant renal surgeon, so he does me a really good deal’.

At this point a man knocks on the door. ‘I’ve come for the extinguishers!’ he calls through the letterbox. Martin wheels his drip across to the door and lets him in. ‘One in the kitchen, one on the landing.’ He says.

When he returns he describes his latest cost cutting measure. ‘That’s Neville.’ He enthuses. ‘He’s one of my old syndicate mates’.

‘I was thinking about how everybody on this street has a couple of fire extinguishers around the house, in the garage, in the car, you know. Well it just seemed such a replication of, well… you know.’

‘Anyhow, it just seemed much more efficient to dispose of all but a few of them. I managed to talk the neighbours round and Neville has taken them off our hands for a few quid (well we had to pay his expenses) and now we will just have two extinguishers in Mrs Grantham’s living room at number 32. So we can easily get to them if we need them, provided that she’s not out at her mum’s of course, and honestly, what are the chances of two houses burning down at the same time and her at her mum’s. Ha! It just makes so much sense’.

Things haven’t all been plain sailing for Martin’s economy and efficiency drive though. Last winter his gran froze to death in her shed after Martin had arranged for one of his syndicate mates to redirect the gas to his stables, and his son is now out of school.

‘I had to take him out of school because they were teaching all sorts of inefficient nonsense about maths and science and stuff. They even got him doing a project on ‘green’ energy, whatever that is. Political correctness gone mad! My mate in the syndicate says that petrochemicals are the only real source of proper energy. And he should know, he runs a petrol station. Anyway, my lad’s now educated at home by Fox News, and Clive from the syndicate has sorted me out with a nice little earner by offering to buy all those bricks in the foundations of my house’.

I ask him about this.

‘Oh yes, this is the start of the proper recovery for me.’ He says. ‘He’s promised me fifty quid for the lot, putting me back to exactly where I was before the horse race. He’s started exploratory foundation brick removal behind the kitchen door and thinks he can get out over ninety percent of my brick reserves. I can’t see why everyone isn’t doing it!’

Martin has been invited to join a government think tank later this month.

New garden cities not required to include any homes, says minister.

Government ministers have today confirmed that the coalition’s newly announced ‘garden cities’, will not actually contain any homes, despite Nick Clegg’s claims that they would solve the housing crisis.

Asked by Labour how developers would be incentivised to provide affordable, low-cost accommodation, a Conservative planning minister burst into laughter nearly choking on his Dom Perignion White Gold. ‘It’s Gardens, Pleb-face’ he patiently explained. ‘Y’know, roses, lawns, fountains’.

Responding to accusations that 15,000 tennis courts would do little to alleviate the condition of the unemployed and working poor, Number Ten later confirmed that: ‘Many of the poor are desperately in need of a job, and all that muck doesn’t move itself between flowerbeds. The feckless classes will be ideal for this sort of opportunity as they are the sort that don’t really mind smelling of dung. That’s why the ‘garden city’ initiative makes such good sense. Enough flowers and we might not be able to notice their stench.’

The Liberal Democrats, meanwhile, moved swiftly to contain the fallout from the statements, insisting that thanks to their tireless efforts in government the worst excesses of the Tory right had been curtailed.

There would now be ample facility for the poor to wash thanks to the ornate marble fountains, as long as the wind was blowing good and strong and they stayed at least fifty feet away and out of sight, and that there would be a discernible trickle-down effect enabling the poor to obtain canapés and cake crumbs after the numerous gatherings that would undoubtedly be able to attract all manner of wealth creators and drivers of the economy.

 This was, however, later contradicted by a senior cabinet minister who was quoted as saying ‘Just let them try. The old blunderbuss is charged and the pack needs a run-out, what?’

 UKIP were reported to be also unconditionally in favour of the government proposals, provided that all the plants were proper English varieties of solid stock, the gardens were arranged in nice long rows with straight paths that could be marched up and down, and NO PARK BENCHES.

When asked to comment, the Prime Minister was playing tennis.

32 Million People with access to the NHS are needlessly tall

A new report to be released on Tuesday casts doubt on the ability of the NHS to prevent the feckless population that uses it from growing needlessly tall.

The report shows that whilst the average height of all people in the UK with access to free-at-the-point-of-delivery healthcare is 5 feet and 4 inches, there are only a handful of people who actually measure that height to the precise thousandth of an inch.

A staggering 32.6 million people are taller than would be expected by Government Ministers undertaking remedial statistics lessons and who expect anything above the average to be somehow unusual, especially if it serves their political purpose.

It was also revealed that some feckless individuals were over 20% taller than the average at 6 foot 2 inches. They blamed the last Labour government for allowing some NHS patients to needlessly grow as tall as 6 foot 7 inches.

'I can't believe that for years that Andy Burnham fellow allowed all this needless stuff. I bet they had to buy bigger beds from those European beaurocrats and stuff' said Mrs Doris Karloff from Stoke.

Ian Duncan Smith bravely asserted that his plans to reintroduce scurvy and rickets would go some way to improving the situation. Adding 'what is a median on a bell curve anyway?'

Meanwhile a separate report concludes that 50% of all politicians and journalists are needlessly evil.

20/2/13 The 4G Auction

The 4G auction failed by £1bn to meet the figures the Chancellor had controversially used to balance the UK's books in his Autumn Statement. Pants on fire tastic!

Welcome

Welcome to the Brass Elephant. Satire, Satire, Satire. Luv 'n' Stuff, BE xxx