British Parties to Offer In-Out Referendum on FIFA

The main political parties in England today pledged to work together to offer an in-out referendum on FIFA by 2015 sources said.

Critics denounced this as another attempt to follow the public outrage expressed against foreign control of banana length and immigrants coming over to the UK and mending stuff.

Nigel Flange of the UK Imitation Party said ‘It’s one thing us getting to tour the world enjoying the, admittedly very generous if you know what I'm saying, hospitality of foreigners keen to have us vote for them to host the World Cup, but quite a different matter when some other foreign country actually wins. It’s quite clear to me that FIFA is solely responsible for human rights violations in Russia, Brazil and Qatar, the backstabbing bastards.’

David Cataract of the ruling British Class System had previously resisted attempts amongst his backbenchers to have the FIFA committee replaced by a large bronze statue of Margaret Thatcher with flashing eyes and a rotating magnetic mount that would enable it to spin around and point to various committee agenda items for approval.

However, after meetings behind closed doors yesterday he appeared to have moved into line with the mainstream press by accepting the offer of a referendum on the FIFA question. ‘It is abundantly clear that we need to work to get a better deal within FIFA’ he said, ‘And that goes farther than simply removing the lack of opportunity for unaccountable decision making and replacing it with something that looks random but can be manipulated to create conditions favourable for hard working British football businesses.’

‘We in Britain invented football and should therefore be at the heart of world football whilst not actually being part of it. There is no reason that the English national team cannot negotiate lucrative international sponsorship deals with the likes of China, where I have recently been making this exact same point, without the necessity of participating in football games against other nations that are at an advantage because of their higher skills and abilities. And just as importantly there may be some votes in it for me.’

His coalition partner, Dick Clog, was less enthusiastic about the move. ‘I am proud to be part of the great movement that is FIFA and us leaving after a referendum could destabilise and eventually destroy all that we hold dear.’ He insisted, before continuing, ‘But we are of course united with our coalition partners over this, so whatever Dave says.’

Ed Milliongrand of the British Football Workers party said, ‘We need to reconnect with the hardworking British footballer and fans alike. They may not have heard that from us, but it is a message with which we have been entirely consistent and must communicate better. Let me be clear, this is something that affects all of us deeply, and we will stand up for the squeezed midfield.’

Nigel Flange explained, ‘I am glad that we seem to have reached some form of common ground on this issue, mostly because of the earthquake we delivered in the Beezer Homes League. If we leave FIFA, of course there will be those who say we won’t have the ability to play in international competitions. But we have confidence in our nation. Why should football fans from other countries fly half the way around the world to Brazil to see their international team play, when we have perfectly acceptable football grounds. Who would they rather watch, some shifty Spaniards playing against Croatia in Rio and having to order a tumbler of lager in Portuguese, or would they rather watch Leamington play Brackley Town with a pint and a pie? This will be a boost for Britain, and put us back in our rightful place at the head of world football.’

Alex Sauruman of the Skittish Nationalists said ‘Actually, I think they speak for England and not Britain. In Scotland we will vote later this year to separate from the arrogant English and their FIFA dominated view of football, and immediately we will hold another vote to re-join FIFA. Then we can put it to the people whether we want to leave FIFA, even if that is only so we can join again.’

Ministers Praise Plucky Plumber

Government ministers have today hailed the efforts of plumber Martin Hughes (45) in responding to his own personal experience of austerity.

‘He’s facing up to his problems in a sensible and practical manner’ said one government official. ‘Not only is he following the Conservative Party lead in a number of areas, but I think there’s also something we can all learn from him when it comes to climbing out of difficult circumstances.’

When we interviewed Martin at his home in Chessingham he seemed distinctly chipper despite his past misfortunes.

‘It all started back in 2008’ he explained. ‘I had been working as a plumber and was doing all right. But having a bit of spare money left at the end of each week I started to, you know, speculate.’

In January that year he joined a gambling syndicate made up of a group of chums he had met at a race day. They came across a horse called ‘Square Mile’ and it just seemed that it could never lose. On some weeks they would place several bets, wherever it was racing, and pocketed regular winnings. Martin soon found that he could let the occasional difficult plumbing job go and spent more time on-line or meeting his well-heeled chums at one race course or another.

‘There was this chap down our street, Luka,’ he recalled, ‘and him and his mate Cheng drove this old Chrysler van. They were both time-served plumbers, so I used to let them have the more time consuming and less profitable bits of work and kept the good stuff for myself. Life was sweet.’

‘Then it all suddenly went wrong. It was in the 3.30 at Newmarket, and at the final fence there were several horses neck and neck, but they had been over-raced and were all a bit tired. Then an Arabian stallion cut across the field and down they all went. Persian Pariah had to be put down and Mediterranean Breeze only just pulled through with help from the vet.’

‘It would not have been so bad, but I had put almost everything I had on Square Mile and lost it all as the rank outsider, Bricadoon came in to win the race.’

How Martin responded to this misfortune, though, was what set him apart and gained praise from ministers. Firstly he launched a campaign to have Square Mile’s trainer banned from the sport. ‘It was clearly his fault.’ Said Martin. ‘He risked all our money and the valued property of the owner by allowing Square Mile to race that day. I had him banned for life and good riddance too!’

Next, Martin had to look at his own finances. ‘The other guys had quite a bit of money put away, but I didn’t, you see.’

‘First thing I did was put all my plumbing tools up for sale. There was no point just having them lying around the house getting in my way, so I sold them to Cheng for fifty quid. That meant I could look the bank manager in the eye. He asked me how I would continue my business, but I was ready for that. I had struck a deal with Cheng so that I could borrow the tools back for a tenner a go. I’ve done six jobs this month through doing that, so my business hasn’t been affected.’

But it wasn’t just his tools. In a move that Number Ten described as ‘Just the way we would run the economy’ he then decided to stop his son doing the paper round.

‘He was earning twenty quid a week but he wasn’t very efficient at it. So I told him to ‘sell’ the round to the son of one of my syndicate associates’ lads. He wasn’t keen but I explained that it was a difficult round to do, what with the big hill near his aunt's, and he couldn’t expect someone else to do it without an incentive. So in the end my mate’s son gave us 50p for the round and I bought him a new bike in return. Our papers now still get delivered on time, but my mate’s son looks so much more efficient on his new bike than my son used to on his old Raleigh’.

‘Anyway, the next stop was to bring in some more money to keep the bank manager at bay. So I managed to sell a kidney’.

I stop him at this point. ‘A kidney? Wasn’t that a bit extreme?’ I say.

‘Not at all, not at all.’ Says Martin. ‘The fact is, having my renal function performed by an internal kidney was just not very efficient. I had to carry it around inside me, feed it, all that sort of stuff. It was much more sensible to have it removed. In fact I had both removed and I now pay a private health company for regular dialysis sessions. I got two thousand quid for the pair, and the dialysis only costs me three thousand a month. Luckily one of my syndicate mates is a consultant renal surgeon, so he does me a really good deal’.

At this point a man knocks on the door. ‘I’ve come for the extinguishers!’ he calls through the letterbox. Martin wheels his drip across to the door and lets him in. ‘One in the kitchen, one on the landing.’ He says.

When he returns he describes his latest cost cutting measure. ‘That’s Neville.’ He enthuses. ‘He’s one of my old syndicate mates’.

‘I was thinking about how everybody on this street has a couple of fire extinguishers around the house, in the garage, in the car, you know. Well it just seemed such a replication of, well… you know.’

‘Anyhow, it just seemed much more efficient to dispose of all but a few of them. I managed to talk the neighbours round and Neville has taken them off our hands for a few quid (well we had to pay his expenses) and now we will just have two extinguishers in Mrs Grantham’s living room at number 32. So we can easily get to them if we need them, provided that she’s not out at her mum’s of course, and honestly, what are the chances of two houses burning down at the same time and her at her mum’s. Ha! It just makes so much sense’.

Things haven’t all been plain sailing for Martin’s economy and efficiency drive though. Last winter his gran froze to death in her shed after Martin had arranged for one of his syndicate mates to redirect the gas to his stables, and his son is now out of school.

‘I had to take him out of school because they were teaching all sorts of inefficient nonsense about maths and science and stuff. They even got him doing a project on ‘green’ energy, whatever that is. Political correctness gone mad! My mate in the syndicate says that petrochemicals are the only real source of proper energy. And he should know, he runs a petrol station. Anyway, my lad’s now educated at home by Fox News, and Clive from the syndicate has sorted me out with a nice little earner by offering to buy all those bricks in the foundations of my house’.

I ask him about this.

‘Oh yes, this is the start of the proper recovery for me.’ He says. ‘He’s promised me fifty quid for the lot, putting me back to exactly where I was before the horse race. He’s started exploratory foundation brick removal behind the kitchen door and thinks he can get out over ninety percent of my brick reserves. I can’t see why everyone isn’t doing it!’

Martin has been invited to join a government think tank later this month.

New garden cities not required to include any homes, says minister.

Government ministers have today confirmed that the coalition’s newly announced ‘garden cities’, will not actually contain any homes, despite Nick Clegg’s claims that they would solve the housing crisis.

Asked by Labour how developers would be incentivised to provide affordable, low-cost accommodation, a Conservative planning minister burst into laughter nearly choking on his Dom Perignion White Gold. ‘It’s Gardens, Pleb-face’ he patiently explained. ‘Y’know, roses, lawns, fountains’.

Responding to accusations that 15,000 tennis courts would do little to alleviate the condition of the unemployed and working poor, Number Ten later confirmed that: ‘Many of the poor are desperately in need of a job, and all that muck doesn’t move itself between flowerbeds. The feckless classes will be ideal for this sort of opportunity as they are the sort that don’t really mind smelling of dung. That’s why the ‘garden city’ initiative makes such good sense. Enough flowers and we might not be able to notice their stench.’

The Liberal Democrats, meanwhile, moved swiftly to contain the fallout from the statements, insisting that thanks to their tireless efforts in government the worst excesses of the Tory right had been curtailed.

There would now be ample facility for the poor to wash thanks to the ornate marble fountains, as long as the wind was blowing good and strong and they stayed at least fifty feet away and out of sight, and that there would be a discernible trickle-down effect enabling the poor to obtain canapés and cake crumbs after the numerous gatherings that would undoubtedly be able to attract all manner of wealth creators and drivers of the economy.

 This was, however, later contradicted by a senior cabinet minister who was quoted as saying ‘Just let them try. The old blunderbuss is charged and the pack needs a run-out, what?’

 UKIP were reported to be also unconditionally in favour of the government proposals, provided that all the plants were proper English varieties of solid stock, the gardens were arranged in nice long rows with straight paths that could be marched up and down, and NO PARK BENCHES.

When asked to comment, the Prime Minister was playing tennis.