New Exam Grades Gibberish Say Employers.

The new GCSE exam results will be the least comprehensible since 1987, say leading employers.

When the GCSE results are out in a few days time, those students who have studied maths and English will be graded on a new system based on words and numbers which employers have called "gibberish".

A central plank of the government's education strategy has long been to make exams tough and less girl-friendly, replacing 'soft' aspects, such as so called 'course work' which favours the female propensity for doing housework and looking after children, with rigorous and manly aspects such as single, winner takes all examinations, where a chap can cram hard and achieve a good grade after a hard day on the rugger pitch, and then go on in life to lead one's country out of the world's biggest trading bloc and damn the consequences like a true Briton.

As former Education Secretary, Michael Goove explained:

"We see the increased masculinisation of the exam system as something of a transitionary step in creating a fairer system. After all, what could be more unfair than a child's future being dictated by the environment in which they were brought up. Nurture versus nature. Far better to have a genetically based system of assessing the gifted. Once we have reduced the unfair disadvantage that boys have historically, due to the alt-left education policies of the past, faced through possession of a Y chromosome, we can revert to a proper system of selection by parental achievement and family lineage."

Some employers, however, whilst welcoming the overall shift towards more unpleasant and higher stress examinations, like they remember, and approving of making it less likely that spotty teenagers will turn up to interview with higher grades than the employer had, just because they have made everything so namby-pamby-politically-correct-and-easy-not-like-in-my-day, have balked at the new numerical grading system.

"We want people who have a good grasp of English and mathematics to be joining our companies." Said Errol Flitch of Combined Snark Holdings PLC. "I don't see how we can be expected to do that when the old system of letters is being replaced by numbers. I mean! What on earth is a grade 8 for goodness sake? I know that the guidance says that's ninety to ninety-five percent, but as far as we're concerned, they're just words. What do they mean? It's gibberish."

He continued: "If, on the other hand, a chap comes along with an 'A' Grade, well you know that he's a first class chap, so long as his pater has a good golf handicap and his accent isn't a bit northern. Why change that bit?"

Meanwhile, the current Education Secretary, Justine Greeding admitted "I personally think they're all a bit stupid, but I have to go along with it if I'm to break the blasted glass ceiling. Who cares about the wretched kids, anyway? They'll all be done for if that orange bloke across the pond gets his tiny fingers on that button. Oh yes! Make no mistake, grab what you can, now, that's what I say..."

Schoolchildren and teachers were unavailable for comment, however many were seen shaking their heads and muttering.

Theresa May Confirms Her Right to be Forgotten

Theresa May confirmed, today, that new legislation on data protection will enable her to request that internet providers respect her right to pretend she never existed.

Amongst proposals outlined by the Minister for Modern Things, whole websites that make reference to her opposition to Brexit and denial that she was ever planning a snap general election will be taken down.

Moreover, any reference to the Conservative Party Manifesto 2017 will be replaced with a picture of kittens climbing over a baby gate.

Meanwhile, having just returned from her Eyrie in the Swiss Alps, all reference to her planned annexation of Europe and forced enslavement of anyone who has ever attended Glastonbury has already been completely deleted from the internet and your memory.

Brexit will not cost £350 million. The General Election produced a stunning win for the Conservatives. Jeremy Corbyn ate someone's hamster and has since emigrated to a Croatian commune where he is helping North Korea to build a celery bomb.

It was also confirmed that once the full consequences of a disastrous post-Brexit settlement have become known, the massively unpopular Boris Johnson will have been Prime Minister all this time and a glamorous, young, unknown, female politician wearing strikingly fashionable leopard print heels will suddenly emerge to challenge him for the leadership of the Conservative and One True Government Party and lead Greater Britain to a strong and stable future that will last a thousand years.

STRANGE

God Save America

Why so serious, folks??

Why so serious, folks??

While the bat's away...

Ha...Ha...Ha...Ha...Ha...!

Corbyn to get tough on ISIS

Following a number of misinterpretations of his stance in the press, a belligerint Jeremy Corbyn will today vow to 'kick the bastards good and hard in the goolies.' 

In a leaked statement he will mock the 'Pansy boy Cameron' who 'thinks he can just wave his pork encrusted dick at a bunch of hardened thugs like ISIS'. 'That's just what the seedy little fuckers want' claims Corbyn. 'While posh boy's strutting up and down and spunking away bombs that could pay for the health service, dropping them on a bunch of sand dunes and droning on and on like a little tosspot, the real fuckers behind it are hiding behind secret oil trading and setting that twat Assad up to get away with being such a cunt that local people see ISIS as being on their fucking side. How fucked up's that! No. Fuck off posh boy and grow a pair you twat' Corbyn will say in his speech to the House today.

'Cut off their money, cut off their supplies, cut off their power base, cut off any fucking way they can get out of there, then take them a-fucking part bit by bit. Cut off their fucking goolies and feed them to a goat. It's the only fucking way, posh boy. Not fucking playing at pissy little air strikes with no fucking idea who or what your aiming for. Stop being a twat Cameron. No fucking air strikes, right. Cunt.'

 

British Parties to Offer In-Out Referendum on FIFA

The main political parties in England today pledged to work together to offer an in-out referendum on FIFA by 2015 sources said.

Critics denounced this as another attempt to follow the public outrage expressed against foreign control of banana length and immigrants coming over to the UK and mending stuff.

Nigel Flange of the UK Imitation Party said ‘It’s one thing us getting to tour the world enjoying the, admittedly very generous if you know what I'm saying, hospitality of foreigners keen to have us vote for them to host the World Cup, but quite a different matter when some other foreign country actually wins. It’s quite clear to me that FIFA is solely responsible for human rights violations in Russia, Brazil and Qatar, the backstabbing bastards.’

David Cataract of the ruling British Class System had previously resisted attempts amongst his backbenchers to have the FIFA committee replaced by a large bronze statue of Margaret Thatcher with flashing eyes and a rotating magnetic mount that would enable it to spin around and point to various committee agenda items for approval.

However, after meetings behind closed doors yesterday he appeared to have moved into line with the mainstream press by accepting the offer of a referendum on the FIFA question. ‘It is abundantly clear that we need to work to get a better deal within FIFA’ he said, ‘And that goes farther than simply removing the lack of opportunity for unaccountable decision making and replacing it with something that looks random but can be manipulated to create conditions favourable for hard working British football businesses.’

‘We in Britain invented football and should therefore be at the heart of world football whilst not actually being part of it. There is no reason that the English national team cannot negotiate lucrative international sponsorship deals with the likes of China, where I have recently been making this exact same point, without the necessity of participating in football games against other nations that are at an advantage because of their higher skills and abilities. And just as importantly there may be some votes in it for me.’

His coalition partner, Dick Clog, was less enthusiastic about the move. ‘I am proud to be part of the great movement that is FIFA and us leaving after a referendum could destabilise and eventually destroy all that we hold dear.’ He insisted, before continuing, ‘But we are of course united with our coalition partners over this, so whatever Dave says.’

Ed Milliongrand of the British Football Workers party said, ‘We need to reconnect with the hardworking British footballer and fans alike. They may not have heard that from us, but it is a message with which we have been entirely consistent and must communicate better. Let me be clear, this is something that affects all of us deeply, and we will stand up for the squeezed midfield.’

Nigel Flange explained, ‘I am glad that we seem to have reached some form of common ground on this issue, mostly because of the earthquake we delivered in the Beezer Homes League. If we leave FIFA, of course there will be those who say we won’t have the ability to play in international competitions. But we have confidence in our nation. Why should football fans from other countries fly half the way around the world to Brazil to see their international team play, when we have perfectly acceptable football grounds. Who would they rather watch, some shifty Spaniards playing against Croatia in Rio and having to order a tumbler of lager in Portuguese, or would they rather watch Leamington play Brackley Town with a pint and a pie? This will be a boost for Britain, and put us back in our rightful place at the head of world football.’

Alex Sauruman of the Skittish Nationalists said ‘Actually, I think they speak for England and not Britain. In Scotland we will vote later this year to separate from the arrogant English and their FIFA dominated view of football, and immediately we will hold another vote to re-join FIFA. Then we can put it to the people whether we want to leave FIFA, even if that is only so we can join again.’