The Brass Elephant: 2017

Tuesday, 22 August 2017

New Exam Grades Gibberish Say Employers.

The new GCSE exam results will be the least comprehensible since 1987, say leading employers.

When the GCSE results are out in a few days time, those students who have studied maths and English will be graded on a new system based on words and numbers which employers have called "gibberish".

A central plank of the government's education strategy has long been to make exams tough and less girl-friendly, replacing 'soft' aspects, such as so called 'course work' which favours the female propensity for doing housework and looking after children, with rigorous and manly aspects such as single, winner takes all examinations, where a chap can cram hard and achieve a good grade after a hard day on the rugger pitch, and then go on in life to lead one's country out of the world's biggest trading bloc and damn the consequences like a true Briton.

As former Education Secretary, Michael Goove explained:

"We see the increased masculinisation of the exam system as something of a transitionary step in creating a fairer system. After all, what could be more unfair than a child's future being dictated by the environment in which they were brought up. Nurture versus nature. Far better to have a genetically based system of assessing the gifted. Once we have reduced the unfair disadvantage that boys have historically, due to the alt-left education policies of the past, faced through possession of a Y chromosome, we can revert to a proper system of selection by parental achievement and family lineage."

Some employers, however, whilst welcoming the overall shift towards more unpleasant and higher stress examinations, like they remember, and approving of making it less likely that spotty teenagers will turn up to interview with higher grades than the employer had, just because they have made everything so namby-pamby-politically-correct-and-easy-not-like-in-my-day, have balked at the new numerical grading system.

"We want people who have a good grasp of English and mathematics to be joining our companies." Said Errol Flitch of Combined Snark Holdings PLC. "I don't see how we can be expected to do that when the old system of letters is being replaced by numbers. I mean! What on earth is a grade 8 for goodness sake? I know that the guidance says that's ninety to ninety-five percent, but as far as we're concerned, they're just words. What do they mean? It's gibberish."

He continued: "If, on the other hand, a chap comes along with an 'A' Grade, well you know that he's a first class chap, so long as his pater has a good golf handicap and his accent isn't a bit northern. Why change that bit?"

Meanwhile, the current Education Secretary, Justine Greeding admitted "I personally think they're all a bit stupid, but I have to go along with it if I'm to break the blasted glass ceiling. Who cares about the wretched kids, anyway? They'll all be done for if that orange bloke across the pond gets his tiny fingers on that button. Oh yes! Make no mistake, grab what you can, now, that's what I say..."

Schoolchildren and teachers were unavailable for comment, however many were seen shaking their heads and muttering.

Monday, 7 August 2017

Theresa May Confirms Her Right to be Forgotten

Theresa May confirmed, today, that new legislation on data protection will enable her to request that internet providers respect her right to pretend she never existed.

Amongst proposals outlined by the Minister for Modern Things, whole websites that make reference to her opposition to Brexit and denial that she was ever planning a snap general election will be taken down.

Moreover, any reference to the Conservative Party Manifesto 2017 will be replaced with a picture of kittens climbing over a baby gate.

Meanwhile, having just returned from her Eyrie in the Swiss Alps, all reference to her planned annexation of Europe and forced enslavement of anyone who has ever attended Glastonbury has already been completely deleted from the internet and your memory.

Brexit will not cost £350 million. The General Election produced a stunning win for the Conservatives. Jeremy Corbyn ate someone's hamster and has since emigrated to a Croatian commune where he is helping North Korea to build a celery bomb.

It was also confirmed that once the full consequences of a disastrous post-Brexit settlement have become known, the massively unpopular Boris Johnson will have been Prime Minister all this time and a glamorous, young, unknown, female politician wearing strikingly fashionable leopard print heels will suddenly emerge to challenge him for the leadership of the Conservative and One True Government Party and lead Greater Britain to a strong and stable future that will last a thousand years.